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SITUATIONAL PREGNANCIES
Following the SCOTUS leak of an early draft of a majority decision that would overturn Roe v. Wade, the left found itself in its worst tizzy since Bubba Wallace saw a string.

The left’s reaction to the SCOTUS leak revealed an important if previously unexplored aspect of human pregnancies: They’re situational. Last year, the AP revised its stylebook to instruct its writers that the term “pregnant woman” is “non-inclusive” because it ignores “pregnant men.” Scribes were ordered to only use “pregnant people,” “pregnant individuals,” and “those who are pregnant.”

But now the AP has run into a problem: With Roe on the line, the left wants to present abortion as a women’s issue and only a women’s issue.

As the intolerant transphobe Gavin Newsom told a crowd of pro-choicers last week, “If men could get pregnant, this wouldn’t even be a conversation.”

But…men can get pregnant, right?

Not so fast, hate-criminal! The AP is here to dispel your confusion. The stylebook was updated yet again, this time instructing reporters to never dare say “men can get pregnant” in relation to abortion.

When it comes to other situations, yes, men can get pregnant. But when it comes to news stories about abortion, no, men cannot get pregnant.

Got it?

If that doesn’t make sense to you, it’s because you lack a master’s in Matlatzinca/Ocuiltec Gender-Fluid Haiku Labor Movement Pamphleteering in Fifth-Century Chapultenango. Your degreed superiors in Journalism Inc. understand that uttering the word “abortion” erases male pregnancy, while the word “healthcare” brings it back.

Trust the science (fiction), you rubes.